Forever-licious
twitter.com/Cheshire05:
havent been on in awhile..
With how great things have been going for me at my new school it makes me wonder why things ended up the way they did. I look back at my 4 years at my old school and i miss it. I miss my friends who became my family really. Im super busy always at school and work or doing hw and studying. Im finally driven again to do something with my life and i cant help but feel .. empty. I dont spend any time with friends bc they either never ask or when they do they know im busy and dont bother asking again so im left with out any one to hang out with any more. And my friends from st. johns.. i love u all i really do but graduating changes it all.. it really does. Yeah im busy so i hardly have time to talk to any one but none of them try either. i still talk to some but mostly when they are drunk and randomly call me or text me which is hilarious.. just makes me wish i was still there. I couldnt wait to get back home and start fresh and leave some of my past behind when i left but id take the good and some bad memories from there any day over going to a school where i basically have no friends. Im just in one of those moods where everything is getting me down. Im so broke it isnt even funny. I cant afford to do anything fun bc i have bills to pay.. Welcome to the real world.. mom doesnt support me any more and dad never really did.. so less than 200 a week is supposed to last me and get me everything i need. HA! that barely happens. Its just hard. Im finally going to school for what i want and im happy with it. Im focused and determined and kicking ass in school but i just wish i could have this and my friends.. and some kind of social life nesides with my family. Dont get me wrong i love my family and spending time with them but i need to go out and have fun with my friends.. not be dd for my brother so he can have fun while i sit around bored and wait for his drunk ass to wanna go home.. which leads me to this point.. my 25 yr old brother is a functioning alcoholic.. and he admitts it. He pays his bills and goes to work.. but he gets hammered every night after work and expects to be babied all the time and for people to just give into him because my parents always have.. they baby him and expect me to do the same.. Hello last time i checked i was the younger sibling. Im so sick of not being able to go out and have fun without him wanting to tag along or him wanting me to drive him some where so he can go drink or get beer or cigs bc hes been drinking and cant drive.. Dude grow the fuck up. I love u but i cant keep doing it. For example.. this past saturday he says hey wanna go hang with nick and lauren out inphoenix shes bar tending it will be fun.. so i say i dunno im broke i cant drink and he goes yeah me too .. and oh im not driving.. so then i end up driving and he tells me he had more money than he thought and he can drink and he would buy me a couple for driving so i say ok. Conclusion.. drove all over didnt drink and didnt get a thanks for it at all.. over it!
any ways.. so lately ive been having weird ass dreams about ex boyfriends.. im finally over ray.. i think and now im dreaming about my ex josh who was a piece of shit and my ex vinny.. who as my friends on here who know me would know was the first true love of my life.. why im dreaming of them idk.. im my dreams i even felt weird for it happening. I cant explain them.. they were not realistic in any sense. Those relation ships are done and over for good. But the dreams have made me start thinking about why they came into my life.. what was their purpose in all of this.. what was the reason behind them being apart of my story.. I wish i knew. Its driving me crazy that i cant figure it out. I think its mostly me wondering why about it all.. who knows. I just go on with my routine from day to day and dont give it much thought. I try not to atleast. I know ill find a great guy soon enough and be happy and all wooooo im inlove again.. but for now that is no where near happening and ive become ok with it but it sucks being alone.. my friends dont talk to me and i dont have abf to talk to so im left with.. this really i guess. its kind of pathetic really. The people that said they’d always be here havent really been here and i know it goes both ways but i see they are doing great and just dont bother trying to talk to them when all they can say is i miss u so much! or lets hang out and then we dont. Im just over it, bored, need some kind of excitement and entertainment in my life.. i need more.
Haven’t been on here in forever :( anyways I feel the need to vent and have no where else to but here lol I’m just annoyed with how dumb I am when it comes to guys and how I keep hangin out with a guy I was seeing and it always turns into more than just hanging out and he has a gf. I don’t feel guilty for it and people can think what they want but I hve no reason to feel guilty about it. We are trying to stay friends but we can’t help but keep our hands off each oter and it’s a problem lol it’s just weird. I’ve also been so hurt over the past 2 years that I’m so turned off by te idea of dating ATM or having a bf and have found a nice guy who would be verything I’ve wanted for a long time. But I’m just not there. I’m lonely in a way but I wanna enjoy my freedom and not be tied down or worry about pleasin some one else. I’ve dated guy after guy that never worked for me Bc I wear y heart on my sleeve and put my all in to relationships n always get crushed in te end and treated like shit when I’ve given the guy my all and the last guy ray told me it was a great thing that I’m so open hearted and caring and yet what did he do.. Go running back to his ex and now he jokes n says its my fault he did. I keep saying I’m over him but I know I’m not fully there. I wish I was. And over the past 2 years I’ve gone from relationship to relationship n never given myself me time after ring hurt and now I’m trying and I can’t help but still ? Why he didn’t want me. It’s annoying an we’ve had that talk but he alway say idk to everythig I’ve asked or given bs answers/ excuses so I stopped asking and what kills me is he and I exams so close. He Truely beame my best friend and that’s what I miss the most I just don’t think I’ll ever that relationship friends wise back. It went hand in hand with seeing eachother an it’s hard to make one side work without the other. I’m just so fucking confused. I can’t stand that he was always depressed when I was away and him and his gf were broken up n now he seems happy all the time now that theyare back together and that hurts too. Vinny was my first true love but I got over him so why can’t I fully let go and get over this latest one :( I wish some one could tell me that. I find myself thinking about him even wen I have no reason to an it drives me fuckin insane. Ugh ok I think I’m done for now night tumblr friends
thought that was him and then he said “its over for now”
(Source: heartribbons, via ready-to-dream)
So today is the day, the day ive been waiting for ever since my first day here at st. johns… Graduation day. Its so bitter sweet. Im so happy to close this chapter in my life but so sad to see it ending and be leaving all my friends and sorority sisters. I havent known any thing other than them for the past 4 years. Im so anxious for today that i cant sleep. Im also scared to go home for good. Its weird how much my friends and i said senior year in high school said we would never drift and we did. Yeah I talk to them here and there and we hang out occasionally but we are different people than we used to be. They all stayed home and went to school back home for the most part and I left and went away to school. Its a little nerve racking. I don’t know what to expect when I get home but i hope its good. Im going to miss being here so much. Its funny how it works though, you start out freshman year and think “Man i can’t wait to be done” but when the time comes you dread it and wish it hadn’t gone by so fast. Im looking forward to going to nursing school finally and yeah people view me going to st. johns as a waste of time and money but i stayed because my mom begged me to, she wanted me to get a degree from here so I did. I messed up along the way and made my mistakes but whats life without some mistakes, you cant learn from something unless you fail first. So today I get to proudly say I am the first in my family to have gone to and graduated from college with a bachelors. When i am done with nursing school i will have two bachelors degrees. I hate that im leaving mainly because a majority of my friends are from here so they can still hang out after they graduate and I can’t do that. I can come back and visit, sure. But i will be back home 5 1/2 hours away working and going to school full time. I just dont know when i will be able to come back. One thing though that I am certain about is that I will be coming back. I will miss my sisters more than anything. They are my family away from home and have gotten me through some really rough times my past 4 years here.. times i could never repay them for.. I am eternally grateful for having such an amazing group of ladies in my life. Never in my life have i had so many people care about me nor would i have ever thought that i would have had so many amazing women there to support me through the rough patches of my mom and brother having cancer. I am forever in debt to the Gamma Pi chapter of Theta Phi Alpha, the chapter i helped create. As the last alpha from my pledge class left still here It is a sad farewell for me. But I leave knowing that i have done my best, worked my ass off, helped my sorority every way i could and made the best of my 4 years here and with them. So to my sisters who have tumblr… I love you always and i look forward to having you all in my life until the day I die. Its a life long thing and im holding you all to it. Thanks for the best 4 years of my entire life and for making everything that has happened for me possible. I love you all, always. Cheshire 05 YITBOS <3
