havent been on in awhile..
With how great things have been going for me at my new school it makes me wonder why things ended up the way they did. I look back at my 4 years at my old school and i miss it. I miss my friends who became my family really. Im super busy always at school and work or doing hw and studying. Im finally driven again to do something with my life and i cant help but feel .. empty. I dont spend any time with friends bc they either never ask or when they do they know im busy and dont bother asking again so im left with out any one to hang out with any more. And my friends from st. johns.. i love u all i really do but graduating changes it all.. it really does. Yeah im busy so i hardly have time to talk to any one but none of them try either. i still talk to some but mostly when they are drunk and randomly call me or text me which is hilarious.. just makes me wish i was still there. I couldnt wait to get back home and start fresh and leave some of my past behind when i left but id take the good and some bad memories from there any day over going to a school where i basically have no friends. Im just in one of those moods where everything is getting me down. Im so broke it isnt even funny. I cant afford to do anything fun bc i have bills to pay.. Welcome to the real world.. mom doesnt support me any more and dad never really did.. so less than 200 a week is supposed to last me and get me everything i need. HA! that barely happens. Its just hard. Im finally going to school for what i want and im happy with it. Im focused and determined and kicking ass in school but i just wish i could have this and my friends.. and some kind of social life nesides with my family. Dont get me wrong i love my family and spending time with them but i need to go out and have fun with my friends.. not be dd for my brother so he can have fun while i sit around bored and wait for his drunk ass to wanna go home.. which leads me to this point.. my 25 yr old brother is a functioning alcoholic.. and he admitts it. He pays his bills and goes to work.. but he gets hammered every night after work and expects to be babied all the time and for people to just give into him because my parents always have.. they baby him and expect me to do the same.. Hello last time i checked i was the younger sibling. Im so sick of not being able to go out and have fun without him wanting to tag along or him wanting me to drive him some where so he can go drink or get beer or cigs bc hes been drinking and cant drive.. Dude grow the fuck up. I love u but i cant keep doing it. For example.. this past saturday he says hey wanna go hang with nick and lauren out inphoenix shes bar tending it will be fun.. so i say i dunno im broke i cant drink and he goes yeah me too .. and oh im not driving.. so then i end up driving and he tells me he had more money than he thought and he can drink and he would buy me a couple for driving so i say ok. Conclusion.. drove all over didnt drink and didnt get a thanks for it at all.. over it!
any ways.. so lately ive been having weird ass dreams about ex boyfriends.. im finally over ray.. i think and now im dreaming about my ex josh who was a piece of shit and my ex vinny.. who as my friends on here who know me would know was the first true love of my life.. why im dreaming of them idk.. im my dreams i even felt weird for it happening. I cant explain them.. they were not realistic in any sense. Those relation ships are done and over for good. But the dreams have made me start thinking about why they came into my life.. what was their purpose in all of this.. what was the reason behind them being apart of my story.. I wish i knew. Its driving me crazy that i cant figure it out. I think its mostly me wondering why about it all.. who knows. I just go on with my routine from day to day and dont give it much thought. I try not to atleast. I know ill find a great guy soon enough and be happy and all wooooo im inlove again.. but for now that is no where near happening and ive become ok with it but it sucks being alone.. my friends dont talk to me and i dont have abf to talk to so im left with.. this really i guess. its kind of pathetic really. The people that said they’d always be here havent really been here and i know it goes both ways but i see they are doing great and just dont bother trying to talk to them when all they can say is i miss u so much! or lets hang out and then we dont. Im just over it, bored, need some kind of excitement and entertainment in my life.. i need more.